Oh, Elizabeth - (author of the inspired novel - "Eat, Pray, Love" - Elizabeth Gilbert) You speak to my heart. Thank you, thank you, thank you. PS. I think the TED Conference is uber cool.

A friend sent this "survey" to me - it was too much fun - I had to share it. I can't say I'd pick all of these songs for the true movie to my life - but, for the heck of it, it was fun to see what randomly popped up. I've included a few YouTube videos for some of the songs - so you can hear them. Here's the instructions, and my results:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc) 2. Put it on shuffle 3. Press play 4. For the first question, type the song that's playing 5. When you go to a new question, press the next button TWICE 6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...just type it in man! 7. Tag 10 people, and they have to do it too :) IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE???

1. Opening Credits: To Ramona - Bob Dylan

2. Waking Up: The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice

3. First Day at School: Oh Donna - MXPX

4. Falling in Love: Empty Shell - Cat Power

5. Losing Virginity: Ruby Soho - Rancid

6. Fight Song: Spaceboy - Smashing Pumpkins

7. Breaking Up: So Far Away - Donovon Frankenreiter

8. Prom: Nothing I Do - Jamie Cullum

9. Life: Eyes (Acoustic Version) - North Mississippi Allstars

10. Mental Breakdown: Right Between the Eyes - Garbage

11. Driving: Quiet - Smashing Pumpkins

12. Flashback: Blasphemous Rumours - Depeche Mode

13. Getting Back Together: Waltz, No. 2 (XO) - Elliott Smith

14. Wedding: Desperately Wanting - Better Than Ezra

15. Birth of a Child: Good Morning - Kanye West

16. Final Battle: If You Don't, Don't - Jimmy Eat World

17. Death Scene: Mad World - Michael Andrews & Gary Jules

18. Funeral Song: Bullet With Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins

19. End Credits: It's All Over, but the Crying - Garbage (OMG.. how perfect is that?!?!? "Everything you think you know, baby - is wrong. And, everything you think you had, baby - is gone.")

Interesting.....

I ran across a neat blog at : www.whitehottruth.com

The most recent post was encouraging readers to ask a trusted friend for some perspective on yourself.  The questions listed are quality - and, I find myself wondering - what would the answers be, for me?

: What do you think is my greatest strength?
: How would you describe my style?
: What do you think I should let go of?
: When do you feel that I am at my best?
: What do you wish I were less of, for my sake?
: When have you seen me looking my most fabulous?
: What do you think I could give myself more credit for or celebrate more?

If you feel so compelled, send it on - the insight you gain may just be the motivation you needed.

I have a whole host of doubts that like to sing choruses in my head.  They like to tell me things like, "You're wasting a perfectly good canvas."  And, "You'll be laughed at if you show anyone this."  

But, the defiant little girl inside of me screams at the top of her lungs and quiets them all - "Quiiiiiiieeeet!  I'm CrEaTiNg here - and I mustn't  be distracted by little ninnies, like you."  

I prefer to use the word "ninnie" to describe those horrid voices in my head, anyway.  Makes them sound as equally ridiculous as they really are.  Where in the world do those voices come from anyway - and where did they learn to HATE me so well?  I wish I were kinder to myself in most ways - but especially when I'm creating.  Painting.  Writing. Singing.  Attempting to play the guitar.  If I could just push mute on my brain when this is happening - well, that WOULD be heavenly.  As a matter of fact, I think it IS heavenly when you can - even if it is just for a few moments.  And, heaven can be practiced at little increments of time - here and there.  Oh, look, I just went two whole sentences - without ripping myself to shreds!  Here's to progress!  

This "heavenly" silence is something I'm cultivating through focused effort. Kinda like meditating - only the meditation is on self-love.  Self-Kindness.  Self-boasting instead of self-loathing.

And, I liken it to releasing myself from my own prision.  I liken it to the rubbing of a genie bottle.  With some coaxing, and some polishing - this beautiful, otherworldly creature will emerge.  She'll excite me with the newness of her vision - and with a wink of her eyes - she'll silence those inner critics, once and for all.  Ninnies that they are...

So, for the past couple of recesses - I've been painting this very image.  Bringing it forth from my mind - and onto that perfectly poised canvas.

It's a work in progress - but, it's been so fun to play with swirling colors - of my own choosing.  The smoothness of a freshly painted line - the transparency of watercolors.  It's been an experiment for the past three days - and it's been so rewarding.

Tuesday's recess was a full half hour of dancing. All over the house. In my striped athletic knee socks, and with Jack jumping along beside me. We danced in the living room, we danced in the kitchen, we break danced in the hallway, and moonwalked through the laundry room. We did the chicken dance, and we walked it out - and I laughed and laughed when I saw the UPS guy looking through the door at Jack and I - as we danced to MGMT. Dancing is one of the best ways that I know to lift my mood - in just a few seconds. It raises my heart rate, gets my mind thinking on other things entirely - (like the beat of the song) - and gets your blood flowing - which lifts my mood, so quickly. You don't have to dance for an entire half hour. It was kinda difficult to do that...honestly, I kept hearing the phone ring - or thinking of other things to do: but, when I was just letting go and dancing - I was having so much fun! I think that's part of the challenge with recesses, for me: Letting go and allowing myself to have fun. By allowing, I mean - actually giving myself permission to be silly for 30 minutes before I get back to the "serious" work at hand. Like emails, and expense reports, and budgeting. Etc, etc. To inspire you: here's one of my favorite dancers of the moment - in two of his performances from Ellen. You're gonna love this kid: Now, go-dance!

Monday's Recess was my one last deliberate frollock through a peppermint tea Christmas-time dreamland.  I just had to get drunk on Christmas Cheer, one more time - before I could really put it away.  Especially as rushed as this Christmas was - what with the Recession Busting in on Thanksgiving and giving me a swift kick in the shin.  

I just kinda felt like my "favorite" time of the year shuffled on past me while I was stumbling around all December- stunned by the prospects of having to move away from Texas - and I missed most of the Christmas fun.  Well, Monday's Recess was a reclamation of some of that lost time, I suppose.  

It was all inspired by the last three peppermint candies that I had.  These candies are my favorite candy of the entire year.  You know the type.  I think Brach's makes them, and they have a Christmas Tree in the center of a peppermint nougat.  I look forward to them alllllll year long - and will use any excuse to eat one any time I have them in my sights.  I mean, they are a RARITY, are they not?  I only get them once a year.  They are what deliciousness is to me - deliciousness all dolled up for Christmas.  And, with the final three staring me in the face - I had to make this a MoMeNt.  One to remember all year long - while I'm waiting to taste their sweetness again in 2009.

So, on Monday I had a tea break - and I checked out my Christmas magazines that I never had the time to read during the rush of the season.  And, I savored my little mint candies.  It was awesome.  

My tree has been tucked into the attic for a couple of weeks, now.  But, it was cool to do just one last little dip into holiday nostalgia, again - for goodness sake.

And, I even caught myself whistling later that afternoon.  Christmas songs!  Funny how just a little bit of "time out" thinking about/doing the things we love can impact us for the rest of the afternoon!

(I have to admit - my life is benefitting, gReAtLy, from RECESS!  So much more to come!)

PS.  My roommate from London used to remind me - you CAN substitute Crown Royal for tea, in a pinch.  No one's usually the wiser...

I've been a little frazzled the past week or so - I hope I don't ever have to go so long between posting here, again. I know that having a successful blog requires regular posts about topics that go along a similar thread - so I'm hoping that I'll get that "thread" figured out sooner, rather than later. For now, what I seek to do with this web-site is to encourage. If that doesn't come across in some of the ramblings, I hope you'll remind me. But, sometimes encouragement comes from knowing that someone shares in a similar struggle as yourself. So, my writings may not all be sunshine and roses - but, I do hope that they remind you that you are not alone. And, beneath all of the different experiences we have - love can usually be found at the heart of it all. Love & Encouragement - that's what you'll find here. Oh, and some random acts of Hillary-ness. Like "Recess" - My experiment with recess for the past week or so has been a raging success! In fact, I've taken a few photos, and really plan to devote an entire post to sharing with you about my recesses, this past week - so more to come on that - but, seiously...ya'll better schedule some recess time on your calendar, right now - TODAY. I'm serious. It's that important. You'll also find me writing, from time to time, about my soul-searching that I tend to do. I like to read the bible - and I like to search my soul - always seeking to re-connect / commune with God. I like to feel like what I'm doing is in alignment with Him. Reading the bible, first thing in the morning - with a hot cup of tea or coffee - and the sunshine coming through the windows in my living room - that is the ideal way to begin every day. Usually, I'll just crack open my bible and read a bit - then write what I'm thinking / praying about in my journal. Sometimes, I'll have a book that I'll read along with my bible as a reference. Like, for Christmas, my Momma got me the Joyce Meyer's "100 Ways to Simplify Your Life" and I'll read a Chapter each morning - then look up the cooresponding verses in my bible - and spend a little time reading & thinking on them. This sort of resets my brain, calms my mind, and helps me to go into the day reminded of who I truly am - and who I truly belong to. It refreshes my faith - and drives away my fears. It's an excellent way to begin the day - in God's Word. Anyway, Stephanie encouraged me to check out this weekly bible study she's doing at Pine Forest Baptist Church on the book of Esther. It's a Beth Moore study series called "Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman" - and I went last week with four of my favorite women on this planet : Stephanie, Lauren, Ashley, and Elliott's Mom, Linda. We had such a great time - and I've really been enjoying reading and studying this book, so far. I wanted to share the trailer for the series with you, below. Hope you enjoy it. I'll post some recess stuff, next. :) And, I'll try to get more regular on the postings, too, guys. Thanks for reading, Hill

I love to read a handful of web-sites that help me to simplify and be more productive.  Wellll, guess what?  One of those web-sites (www.unclutterer.com) has selected my Home Office as their work-space of the week!  I am so thrilled about it!  

You can take a look at their site here:

http://unclutterer.com/2009/01/09/workspace-of-the-week-wall-writing/comment-page-1/#comment-26331

Those of you who know me, know that my office was a major project of mine in 2008 - and it has helped me to create a balanced (and more zen) work life.  

If you haven't, yet, you owe it to yourself to spruce up your work environment.  

The unclutterer.com FlickR photo pool has lots of ideas to motivate you, too!  And, the site offers great tips on how to simplify your entire life - not just your office.  Check it out!

For you, today - be free!

"Every day we slaughter our finest impulses.  That is why we get a heartache when we read the lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty.  Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths."  -Henry Miller

We are all creative individuals.  You may not think of yourself as such, but it is true!  Whether it's deciding what pair of shoes to wear today - or deciding how to cook your eggs in the morning - all of our lives are speckled with moments of creativity - moments when YOU decide what tastes, looks, smells, or feels good.  

Think about it like this - when we were six, we all were artists.  We all drew, painted, sang, danced, and created all manner of imaginary worlds in which to play.  Somewhere along the way, we began to quiet our unique voice - because we thought that there was something more sensible, adult, or productive that we could be doing with our time.  

What could possibly be more important than creating and expressing?  Isn't even our God called the Great Creator?  He hard-wired each of us to also have a longing and a desire to express our uniqueness in various ways.  This is what is your gift.  Perhaps it is fashion, or cooking, or making music - but, each of us have been "gifted" with something.  To not give that gift to the world is the ultimate selfish act.  Not one other person in all eternity will ever see the world the way you see it.  So, by all means - share!

Yet, an awful lot of people are suppressing their creativity.  Stifling that still, small voice - until it's barely audible. Perhaps you're able to appease that voice - by doodling while you're on the phone - or learning guitar cover songs for a spell.  That's like feeding a hungry child a diet consisting only of ramen noodles and water and expecting them to be happy and healthy.  It's not enough substance to holistically nurture and replenish. Neither are your lame attempts at doodling during that boring Sales Meeting.  No, we must first determine that we will re-introduce ourselves to that inner artist - and that daily, we will seek to see things through that creative viewpoint.  And, what's more - we must commit to allowing that voice of ours a moment or two each day - to teach us something, to show us the gold and amber hues in the sunset - or the funny lilt in our best friends voice.  And, we must record it somehow.  In a journal, in a letter, on a canvas, in a song, through a new twist to an old recipe - but, we must feed our creative selves - or risk becoming crippled and shut down from the newness of the world.

Children see things through a fresh perspective.  They embrace newness - and are unafraid to try and draw anything at all.  Ask a child, who's young enough to still have their artist intact, and they'll draw dinosaurs and helicopters and all sorts of things that as adults we say are "too hard" to draw.  

Who was it that told us that we aren't creative?  When was it that we began to believe that we didn't have anything of worth to say?  Why is it that it's easier to allow that inner artist to starve in the back corner of our minds - than it is to embrace and encourage creativity?

I assume it came along with the stereotypes that we all learned about artists - as dreamers - unstable, lazy, poor, unproductive people.  And, we assume that if we keep our opinions to ourselves, we can avoid disappointing or shocking anyone.  But, deep inside - we still have that desire to create.  If only we had the time, money, support, education, tools, support, freedom - THEN we'd be creative.  But, alas, we choose to believe that isn't for us - so we lock that desire away-hoping that disregard will do the trick.  

When that inner artist begins to ache, we then reach for an anesthetic - TV, food, drinks, drugs, defensiveness, adoption of the mass culture - anything to deny who we truly are and to keep us out of touch with our own original selves - our true nature.  After all, THAT part of who we are tends to be unorthodox - outside of the box - and we can't have any of that now, can we?

I say we can.  I say it's time to embrace that crippled creative child in the corner - and listen to what her raspy whisper has to tell me.  In time, she will be stronger - and as I re-open my mind and my eyes to the beauties of the world around me - she will be fulfilled.  

Creativity isn't just making things - it is to see and feel the world so purposefully that you can put together patterns that help to explain reality to the rest of the world.  It means to be fully present and alive - in the moment - and to recognize and celebrate the beauty all around us.

This year, I've decided that my eyes will be opened - and that my creativity will be nursed back to health.  No longer will I stifle the longing to write - or paint - or draw - or act.  My plan?  To set an appointment with myself for each day - which I will honor in the same way that I honor a Doctors Appointment or a Sales Meeting.  But, to make sure that it's done in the spirit of childlike wonder - I'm declaring this time "Recess".

That's right - each day, I'm setting aside 30 minutes to an hour for my very own recess.  In that time (which will be spent alone) - I will dance, or sing, or draw, or quiet my mind and explore to the recesses (corners) of my brain.  I'll begin recording these experiences and my musings in song or story - some of which I will share right here!

I hope you'll do the same - give yourself Recess each day- and that you'll share more of what you find back here, in the comments, with the rest of us.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."  - George Eliot

Welcome to the new HillaryBanks.com site! I am so excited to finally have a place to call "my own" - and to write and post as I see fit! I'll be developing and working on this as a "work in progress" - so, I'm sure you'll see lots of progression and stages as I share with you a little bit of everything that's brewing in my brain. For now, enjoy a few of my older blogs - which I've imported from MySpace. I'll be posting all new and fresh material here - so be sure to remember this site (or bookmark it). I plan to update it at least weekly - if not more. For now, In the spirit of all things 2009-Below is a video that I want to share:

i've tried to write - so many times, recently. 
i'll make the necessary clicks to get to this blank blog page - and blink at the cursor as it blinks back at me.

i am not empty - but, my words are

i haven't stopped reading though-and seeking music that awakens me.
lately, it feels like music is a kick-start for my tired heart

i don't know where i'm about to head with my life - but, i've been seeking out options and considering nothing as a limitation, except my own fear.

at 28, fear is a much greater factor in my life than i would like to admit. 
i've been a fearful girl my entire life. sincerely.
and, usually this fear is well based - because it's only been a matter of time before life would rise back up 
and smack me (or my family) in the face:

i realize, now - this is true for everyone.

and, so i don't feel like the thoughts i have any more are so original
or merit a blog - requesting of you - your time to read it and possibly respond.

i keep waiting for that epiphany moment of inspired writing. 
that laser focused moment of clarity which will release all of this energy that is collecting inside of me

i'm ready for a release 
and to find my channel for this next period of my life
once i find it - all of my energy will flow in that positive direction.

until then, though - i seek - and my cursor blinks..

To all my Oklahoma Friends -
If you live anywhere near campus - you should go to the Post Secret Event there on Wednesday. I SO wish I could go...I've been crusing the site for a year or so - every Sunday - and they never have an event near me!

PostSecret Events in December
University Oklahoma, OK
(Open to the Public)
12-3-08
www.postsecret.blogspot.com


If you haven't already heard of Post Secret, it is a fascinating social experiment that this guy name Frank started a few years ago. Essentially, he encourages people to send in their secrets on the back of a postcard, anonymously. He then publishes them on the web, every Sunday. Some of them make it into books, which he publishes every once in a while. I haven't bought myself a book, yet...but, I will someday!

Below, I'll post a few to show you what I mean. Warning: This stuff is addictive, and cathartic, sometimes disturbing, but almost always revealing.

Love you all,
Hill

i had my first foray into the american justice system - behind-the scenes.

i mean, i've had a couple (plenty) of tearful traffic court appearances - but, today was my first time ever serving jury duty. i'm convinced that i was served with a summons SOLELY because i recently voted for Hillary Clinton in the primaries, and i made a big deal about it - and, so-i pay my civic penance.

i had no idea what to expect - but, i did know that i was supposed to dread this, entirely. that it was supposed to be one of the most eye-roll inducing recollections of my life, at some point- and so, dutifully, i postponed my first jury summons date-and put it off for a month - so i could really dread it, and build up lots of resentment.

it worked. at least the dread part. by last night, when i was cutting my weekend short-so i could go home and get to bed at a decent hour, i did kinda resent the fact that they served me with an 8am start time. and, i suppose at about 6:15 this morning, when i was shuffling to the bathroom to brush my teeth and splash a little water on my face-i was feeling just a tid bit bitchy about my civic duty.

today was the first day of school for lots of texans - and, i suppose i shared in their jitters last night, because i didn't sleep hardly AT ALL. my stomach was all knotted up, i was tossing and turning. i seriously get freaked out about being faced with new situations that i know nothing about...and when those new situations involve policemen in uniforms, and scary looking judges up on elevated platforms, and long waits in a room where i have to be quiet and listen, intellectually....well, it kinda sounds like my idea of hell.

by the time i was parked, seated, given a 18 digit number, shuffled through the system, taken to the basement, taken back up to the street, walked down three city blocks (police escort and all-felt like a field trip, to me) to the criminal courts building, marched into a cargo elevator, and whisked away to the 17th floor-i think it finally set in that i might actually get selected to sit on a jury of a criminal trial.

i clowned around with the guys in line with me. we laughed a lot - and were able to get the bailiff for the next door courtroom to fill us in on what was happening in his courtroom. seems that a local dentist was thought to have posted up some hidden cameras in his dental clinic bathrooms. recording footage of patients - you know...takin' care of business. luckily, the grey haired, bearded man in line next to me was a total clown-because we went back and forth for about 20 minutes with one-liners on that, alone.

by the time we were seated, inside - and assigned NEW 2-digit numbers that we were to answer to-it was getting close to noon - and that wooden bench was starting to suck.

"juror 58."- that's me, now - i'd been called by the sandy haired, young, plump DA. "would you have objections to seeing an 8-year-old called to testify against their mother in a court of law."

"absolutely." i replied.

elements of the trial began to be revealed - and, i became increasing uncomfortable with the entire situation. we were being asked, over and over again, if we could be "objective" and "fair" in certain situations. some of the situations, despite my willingness to try, i found-i could not be neutral on. sitting on a potential juror panel is not one of the situations i would have considered to be a soul-searching experience...but, can i just tell you-i was looking at myself long and hard today, and what i found didn't entirely impress me. but, it didn't entirely disgust me, either. (which, if you know me...you know is a step in the right direction.)

it became apparant, about an hour into potential juror questioning, that this case was involving criminal responsibility for the conduct of others - or, in this case, a mother was being accused of forcing her child(ren) to break the law for her personal gain.

throughout the questioning, the defendant's attorney kept calling on me. perhaps because i was so candid with my thoughts, needless to say, everytime they called me "58" - the ting tings "that's not my name" rang through my head.

i kept imagining what it would be like to turn that courtroom into my very own music video...


luckily-i was "released" at around 2:30 or 3pm - and was able to jam out allllll the way home.

i think it might have been the comment when i used the word "enraged". or then again, maybe it was because they could tell i'd been daydreaming of smoke machines and hot pink electric stratocasters...

either way, it's good to be an american. and it's even better NOT to be a juror, tonight. :)

i had my first foray into the american justice system - behind-the scenes.

i mean, i've had a couple (plenty) of tearful traffic court appearances - but, today was my first time ever serving jury duty. i'm convinced that i was served with a summons SOLELY because i recently voted for Hillary Clinton in the primaries, and i made a big deal about it - and, so-i pay my civic penance.

i had no idea what to expect - but, i did know that i was supposed to dread this, entirely. that it was supposed to be one of the most eye-roll inducing recollections of my life, at some point- and so, dutifully, i postponed my first jury summons date-and put it off for a month - so i could really dread it, and build up lots of resentment.

it worked. at least the dread part. by last night, when i was cutting my weekend short-so i could go home and get to bed at a decent hour, i did kinda resent the fact that they served me with an 8am start time. and, i suppose at about 6:15 this morning, when i was shuffling to the bathroom to brush my teeth and splash a little water on my face-i was feeling just a tid bit bitchy about my civic duty.

today was the first day of school for lots of texans - and, i suppose i shared in their jitters last night, because i didn't sleep hardly AT ALL. my stomach was all knotted up, i was tossing and turning. i seriously get freaked out about being faced with new situations that i know nothing about...and when those new situations involve policemen in uniforms, and scary looking judges up on elevated platforms, and long waits in a room where i have to be quiet and listen, intellectually....well, it kinda sounds like my idea of hell.

by the time i was parked, seated, given a 18 digit number, shuffled through the system, taken to the basement, taken back up to the street, walked down three city blocks (police escort and all-felt like a field trip, to me) to the criminal courts building, marched into a cargo elevator, and whisked away to the 17th floor-i think it finally set in that i might actually get selected to sit on a jury of a criminal trial.

i clowned around with the guys in line with me. we laughed a lot - and were able to get the bailiff for the next door courtroom to fill us in on what was happening in his courtroom. seems that a local dentist was thought to have posted up some hidden cameras in his dental clinic bathrooms. recording footage of patients - you know...takin' care of business. luckily, the grey haired, bearded man in line next to me was a total clown-because we went back and forth for about 20 minutes with one-liners on that, alone.

by the time we were seated, inside - and assigned NEW 2-digit numbers that we were to answer to-it was getting close to noon - and that wooden bench was starting to suck.

"juror 58."- that's me, now - i'd been called by the sandy haired, young, plump DA. "would you have objections to seeing an 8-year-old called to testify against their mother in a court of law."

"absolutely." i replied.

elements of the trial began to be revealed - and, i became increasing uncomfortable with the entire situation. we were being asked, over and over again, if we could be "objective" and "fair" in certain situations. some of the situations, despite my willingness to try, i found-i could not be neutral on. sitting on a potential juror panel is not one of the situations i would have considered to be a soul-searching experience...but, can i just tell you-i was looking at myself long and hard today, and what i found didn't entirely impress me. but, it didn't entirely disgust me, either. (which, if you know me...you know is a step in the right direction.)

it became apparant, about an hour into potential juror questioning, that this case was involving criminal responsibility for the conduct of others - or, in this case, a mother was being accused of forcing her child(ren) to break the law for her personal gain.

throughout the questioning, the defendant's attorney kept calling on me. perhaps because i was so candid with my thoughts, needless to say, everytime they called me "58" - the ting tings "that's not my name" rang through my head.

i kept imagining what it would be like to turn that courtroom into my very own music video...


luckily-i was "released" at around 2:30 or 3pm - and was able to jam out allllll the way home.

i think it might have been the comment when i used the word "enraged". or then again, maybe it was because they could tell i'd been daydreaming of smoke machines and hot pink electric stratocasters...

either way, it's good to be an american. and it's even better NOT to be a juror, tonight. :)

i've been practicing guitar all morning - and, i'm sad to say, i sound waaaay worse than phoebe singing "smelly cat", today.

as a matter of fact, my guitar playing has so frustrated me - that i envisioned smashing it to bits at one point, this morning.

that happened about the 15th time i attempted to play a B minor or F chord - (bar chords) - and was just effing muting the strings, again.

anyway, i've attempted picking up guitar at least 3 different times in my life-and have always abandoned ship-simply finding it too frustrating.

i keep telling myself that "3rd time's a charm" line -
but, tell that to my clunky fingers, who seem to only remember how to get back to "G". i mean, at least my fingers are good and calloused - so, i've got that goin' for me.

it's a good thing that i live on my own, because i have a feeling that if someone else had to be subjected to my practicing all morning-we would cease to be friends any longer.

i imagine that it'd go something like this, "look, hillary - i'd really rather listen to kevin federline's 'popozao' album than listen to you." at which point, i would quietly go back to my room, and nibble on my newly calloused fingers, as i tried to figure out if maybe harmonica is MY instrument. or the kazoo? yeah, or maybe the slide whistle.

i think it's time to change it up: i need some private coaching. like this:

i've been practicing guitar all morning - and, i'm sad to say, i sound waaaay worse than phoebe singing "smelly cat", today.

as a matter of fact, my guitar playing has so frustrated me - that i envisioned smashing it to bits at one point, this morning.

that happened about the 15th time i attempted to play a B minor or F chord - (bar chords) - and was just effing muting the strings, again.

anyway, i've attempted picking up guitar at least 3 different times in my life-and have always abandoned ship-simply finding it too frustrating.

i keep telling myself that "3rd time's a charm" line -
but, tell that to my clunky fingers, who seem to only remember how to get back to "G". i mean, at least my fingers are good and calloused - so, i've got that goin' for me.

it's a good thing that i live on my own, because i have a feeling that if someone else had to be subjected to my practicing all morning-we would cease to be friends any longer.

i imagine that it'd go something like this, "look, hillary - i'd really rather listen to kevin federline's 'popozao' album than listen to you." at which point, i would quietly go back to my room, and nibble on my newly calloused fingers, as i tried to figure out if maybe harmonica is MY instrument. or the kazoo? yeah, or maybe the slide whistle.

i think it's time to change it up: i need some private coaching. like this:


mitch hedberg = genius.

The Invitation

It doesnt interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.

It doesnt interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesnt interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by lifes betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesnt interest me if the story you are telling me 
is true.
I want to know if you can 
disappoint another 
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life 
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
Yes.

It doesnt interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesnt interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesnt interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone 
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By-Oriah: Mountian Dreamer

i'm back in oklahoma, visiting family and seeing old friends.  and, while i am so glad that i am here, now - getting on the plane to come here was one of the more difficult things that i've done in a while.

i've been very resistant to come back to ok, because everything seems to remind me of something in my life that has been broken or someone who we've lost.  a surreal example of this is the car i'm driving while i'm here.  it was my grandmother's.  it still smells like her - and walking up on it, parked at the airport last night - my silly little heart decided to flutter the way it would if she were the one who was waiting inside to drive me home.  of course she wasn't.  and, of course, those hot tears were choked back, yet again.

last night i sat up with my longest running best friend forever, my sister, heather-and we just talked like we always do.  but, i guess i sometimes forget how good she is for me.  she's truly an angel, and it's so nice to see her pretty liitle face. 

she and i were talking about how much i've changed in the past few years.  the way she puts it, i'm now "just a shell" of the hillary she grew up knowing and loving.  apparantly, i no longer display that joie de vive that used to bubble up from the inside.  instead, she said it's like my skeleton is here - but, my emotions - my soul are absent.

truth is, i feel like a shell.  i feel pretty empty. 

actually, it's not that i feel totally "empty" - it's more like i'm jammed full of a mess of thoughts and memories that are all hollow now.  so there's this "junk" thats cluttering up my mind and my heart-and it's all empty-if that makes sense.  it's all just the remains of what i've held dear.

and, i do feel pretty far removed from my past persona.  laughing doesn't come as easy as it used to.  (except around a few people who seem to bring that out in me, like heather, thank goodness.) 

heather played this song for me by Sanctus Real called "Whatever You're Doing".  she cried as we listened to it, and i just lay my head on her shoulder and rubbed her back while we let the music wash over us.  my heart aches still, but the tears are drying up, now.  instead, i find myself often getting angry in the same situations that used to make my cry.  it's a strange journey through grief, but hearing something like that song - can help me find the part of my heart that is still tender, because that part starts to swell when it's touched.  i put the song on my profile - listen to it if you can.  it's beautiful.

so, i've decided that perhaps the prescription i need to follow is this:  to surround myself with people who make me smile.  i can't be a hermit forever...

i plan to see a few old friends while i'm here.  and i plan to soak up the exerience of being in their presence.  i know so many fantastic people in oklahoma.  so many who inspire me, just because of who they are-or how they think. 

i need to immerse myself in other people right now.  i need new experiences.  new memories.  something rich, something juicy - something to light me back up and to fill this hole in my chest.

it's good to be home.  it's good to be reminded who you are - and that there are actually people out there that care about you, personally - just because you are you.

over the next week, i hope i'm reminded.  i hope i'm re-fueled. 

i'm determined to be a listener this week, and not so much of a "talker".  i don't have much to say, anyway.  i'd rather just fully immerse myself in new thoughts and ideas - those of my familly and friends.

if you're in OK, i'm here until next thursday -  wanna go get coffee or something?  you know how to reach me...

hopeful and thankfully yours,

hillary